No nitpicks about The Force Awakens this time around. Just some wholesome little headcanons about the Original Trilogy. Fun for the whole family.
A New Hope
1. The Yellow Exposition Scrolls (aka YES!) are actually there, zooming through space, but Master Yoda is the only one who’s Force-sensitive enough to see them. However, because space is very big, and these scrolls only occur once every few years, Yoda has never quite managed to spot one. This is his greatest regret.
2. Even in the distant futurepast, there’s no real way to test whether or not a being has a perspective of its own. Thus, the entire non-droid population of the Star Wars universe is agnostic as to whether droids are sentient creatures, or perspective-less machines like toasters and water slides.
To be fair, this is the exact situation we’ll end up in, once our robots get this smart. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
3. This is one of only six Stun Beams left in the universe. This poor Stormtrooper schmuck is unaware that they’re worth a lot of money.
4. Twenty years later, this Imperial misfit woke up at 2:30 AM and realized he had single-handedly brought down the Empire. He swore so loudly, he woke up the dog. Consumed by regret, he became Supreme Leader Snoke.
5. Owen and Beru think Obi-Wan is Luke’s father. They don’t understand Star Wars.
6. This guy is a human, and he would prefer that you not ask about it.
7. Master Yoda once told a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, “The Force is for knowledge and defense. Never to attack. And if someone pushes your friend at a bar, take his arm from him!!”
8. Princess Leia only has a British accent in one scene of A New Hope: her confrontation scene with Grand Moff Tarkin. This is canon. She is making fun of him.
9. Obi-Wan thought being a Force Ghost would be much cooler than it was.
10. Womp Rats are as smart as people, and Luke is a murderer.
11. After Darth Vader says these lines, Grand Moff Tarkin shuffles awkwardly in place for a moment. This is because Darth Vader had just said these exact same words about 30 seconds ago. He’s repeating himself because he doesn’t think Tarkin is being a good listener, and Tarkin is stressed out by Vader’s passive-aggressive mind games.
12. Even though he blew up the Death Star, Luke was still remembered by his fellow Rebels as “that cocky jagoff who turned off his computer and nearly killed everyone because a ghost told him to.”
13. Chewbacca requested, in advance, that he not receive a medal, because Wookiees don’t believe in awards. Also, Chewbacca was telling Han to turn the Falcon back around the entire time, and is still upset that Han wouldn’t listen.
The Empire Strikes Back
14. Han Solo has never even held hands with a girl.
15. Darth Vader has done this “The Rebels are there” routine with 12 other planets already — the same way, every time. This is why his underlings struggle to contain their disbelieving laughter when Vader does it with Hoth.
16. Han is the only person in the Star Wars universe with a concept of “Hell,” and even he isn’t sure where he got the idea.
Also, the Rebel he told off spent the rest of the night thinking of comebacks he should have used. “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll see you in Hell, you dirty…smuggler…jerk!”
17. This pilot, who saved Luke and Han from the frozen tundra of Hoth, frequently tells the story to his grandkids. It makes him smile, and it makes them smile too.
18. This is an unspeakably offensive remark, for reasons that an Earthling could never understand. It’s easily the worst thing Luke has ever heard out of Han. Luke plays it cool, but even after the big rescue, his opinion of his friend has taken a severe hit today.
19. R2-D2 is furious about being stuck with Crazy Luke on one of his Crazy Luke Adventures, but nobody asked his opinion, so here he is.
20. Dagobah is Earth after severe climate change. Hence, the presence of Earth lizards and Earth snakes.
“But Cameron!” you protest, after a comical spit-take, “Star Wars takes place a long, long time ago! In a galaxy far, far away!”
These words, while true, were never intended for us. They’re addressed to the cosmic alien beings who will enjoy this saga 40 billion eons from now at the Edge of Space. We were never the target audience. We’re just lucky to be here.
21. This is easily the worst day of R2-D2’s life.
22. Master Yoda’s been practicing his wacky-old-man routine for over a decade. He only gets upset with Luke’s impatience after Luke’s questions force him off-script.
Also, Yoda is the only character to fight both R2-D2 and the Emperor. This isn’t a headcanon, but I think it’s neat-o mosquito.
23. Nobody is allowed to project a hologram as big as the Emperor’s, under penalty of tortureball.
24. Luke doesn’t understand the Cave. Not one bit. He fakes it to get Master Yoda off his back (figuratively).
25. Yoda doesn’t get the Cave either. He wandered in there five years ago and saw the same thing Luke did: a spooky Vader-phantom with Luke Skywalker’s face. It gave him the willies. He decided to send Luke in there to get some answers, and now they’re both pretending to understand in order to save face.
26. It was Lando’s finger, that Han pulled.
27. Obi-Wan is pretty sexist, and always forgets about Leia.
28. R2-D2 started out as a fog machine, but they kept adding upgrades.
29. Headband Man has a lot of good ideas, but nobody ever asks him, so he’s decided to stop talking altogether. So far, nobody’s noticed, and he’s getting angrier every second.
30. Luke keeps falling into random holes and tunnels because this building is sentient, and it has a cruel sense of humor.
Return of the Jedi
31. Jabba the Hutt’s stick-out door-babbler is a garish, tacky, gaudy thing. Nobody’s sure if Jabba was being ironic when he had it installed, and nobody’s foolish enough to ask.
32. Lando lowers his mask because he feels bad about his betrayal. He wants to be caught.
33. Luke’s rescue plan — as told to his friends — was, “We’ll put the lightsaber in the droid, we’ll go in one at a time, and, you know, just have fun with it.”
34. Boba Fett is just eight-thousand tiny bugs in a suit of Mandalorian armor.
35. After nibbling on C-3PO’s eye, Salacious B. Crumb inherits Jabba the Hutt’s criminal empire. He’s a lousy gangster, however; all he ever does is get high and laugh himself to sleep.
36. Ordinarily, the Emperor — whose first name is “The,” surname is “Emperor” — would wear an understated suit and tie to work, like a normal head of state. While visiting Death Star Deuce, however, he opts to wear his favorite Snuggie. The comfortable-yet-practical garment is a symbol of his overconfidence, and it foreshadows his downfall.
37. Obi-Wan Kenobi disappears when he dies, but leaves his clothes behind. Yoda disappears when he dies, but takes his clothes with him. When Qui-Gon Jinn and Anakin Skywalker die, they leave behind fully-clothed corpses.
What’s the big idea, fellas? Here’s my take:
The Jedi are taught to shun possessions in life, but that’s only so they can get a big fat payoff right at the end. The better you are at the Force, the more stuff you get to bring with you, beyond the mortal coil. Qui-Gon was a dirty trickster who lied to Gungans, so he leaves everything behind. Vader had a nice redemption, but he killed way more children than is expected of a good Jedi, so he, too, leaves his body behind. Obi-Wan was a pretty good Jedi, so he gets to bring his naked bod along. Yoda, being a great Jedi, gets to bring his clothes, so he doesn’t have to strut about Force Heaven in the buff.
Theoretically, an even better Jedi would get to take the house. When the Best Jedi of All Time bites it, the universe will come to an abrupt end.
38. This is the moment when Luke realizes that Obi-Wan Kenobi is a compulsive liar. He decides, however, not to make a stink out of it. What would be the point? The man’s a ghost now. A ghost who has to sit down sometimes.
39. Mon Mothma is the first woman Princess Leia has seen since she was a baby. Leia is having a weird day.
40. Han is just dying to raise his hand and ask “What’s a Bothan?” but he knows Leia would dump his sorry butt.
41. Luke, with his constant paranoid remarks and wackadoo Jedi stories, is easily Han’s weirdest friend (counting Chewbacca!). Han wants to tell him to shut up sometimes, but he knows Leia would dump his sorry butt.
42. This seems like a plot hole, because Padme Skywalker died during childbirth. However, Leia is pointedly referring to her adoptive mother here — who is her “real” mother — and frankly, she does not care for Luke’s phrasing.
43. Leia is being polite when she tells Luke she “doesn’t understand” the Force. She understands it. She just thinks the Force is for babies.
44. The men in purple are in a ska band with the Emperor, who is not taking his job seriously today.
45. The Stormtroopers could easily defeat the fuzzy little Ewoks, but they can’t bring themselves to do it. Instead, they allow themselves to die.
46. That eerie ghost-wave erupting from the Emperor’s pancaked remains? It’s actually all the meanness escaping, for he was — in life — the Meanest Man in Space. It’s a good thing Luke and Vader ducked below the ghost-wave, or they would have become very mean indeed!
47. Han is relieved, but also terrified that his girlfriend might be as weird as Luke.
48. It’s terribly awkward to be a Force Ghost with a checkered past. You have to spend a thousand years making peace with the other Force Ghosts, atoning for your sins, and generally working on yourself. This is why Anakin throws up his hands, walks away from it all, and reincarnates himself as Rey, which is a theory that I wholeheartedly endorse.